Jokes

[11SQNLDR]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."

But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[kiwithrottlejockey]

[michael]

I was in a pub the other night and there was this fat girl dancing on the table. I walked past and said wow those are some amazing legs. She giggled at me and said do you thing so and I said yep, most tables would have collapsed by now.

[camtech]

Dec 24, 2017 9:57:05 GMT 12 michael said:

I was in a pub the other night and there was this fat girl dancing on the table. I walked past and said wow those are some amazing legs. She giggled at me and said do you thing so and I said yep, most tables would have collapsed by now.

And then the fight started😁

[11SQNLDR]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.

They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk'....

[kiwithrottlejockey]

This is rather funny, although probably rather un-PC in this day & age....


• The Airline Pilot Comedy Sketch

[johnm]

Q: what is the difference between a woman and a battery ?

A: a battery has a positive side

[11SQNLDR]

Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door.

She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing.

Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

[bobajob]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[pjw4118]

Thats a classic

[flyinkiwi]

****NEWS FLASH****

The South African government have announced that they were able to fast track visa applications for 11 Australians who face imminent danger of persecution in their home country. Sources say they bypassed the red yellow tape entirely which fooled the officials.

[baronbeeza]

giant.gfycat.com/WatchfulAlarmedHorseshoecrab.gif

[11SQNLDR]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We're getting a new kitchen.”

[flyinkiwi]

Doctor while putting on rubber gloves: "Mr Smith it is quite normal to get an erection during a prostate exam"
Mr Smith: "But I don't have one!"
Doctor: "Yes but I do."

[11SQNLDR]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korea conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more that 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, you?, what are you?

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I take a shower, I think about about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think about naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian"

[kiwithrottlejockey]

[kiwithrottlejockey]

[shorty]

How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[11SQNLDR]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

[11SQNLDR]

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Otago."