Flying hippo races

[flycookie]

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism and Air Travel Website and the answers are supposedly the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks( Sweden )?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about the flying hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake
serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[alanw]

;D ;D ;D ;D

While flying into Sydney from San Francisco, I was asked if people
on the aircraft would be able to see Kangaroo's jumping about the run way....

While on a picnic in the You Yangs (Victoria) I was asked if we could see a Bunyip in a Billabong.......

Yes all tourists

While in the States some years ago a group of English guys were talking, and a comment came up about lighting up a f.a.g.(yes cigarette) the guys from the States were freaking out with visions of these guys lighting up some gay person

When my parents were first married, my Mom (not from NZ) were at the table with my Dad, Grandparents,Aunts when the comment came up about some character the family knew had died.

My Grandmother made the comment "There won't be much left after the sharks had finished with him" my Mom turned to my father and asked "Do they really throw people to the Sharks here"...... yep lots of choking/mirth

Alan

[FlyNavy]

I guess our accent does not help. Being congratulated on speaking reasonable English because I was from Austria when visiting the United States in the early 70s was always a laugh. Being asked did I want 'Coffee Mate' always floored me until I realised that "Coffeemate" was white synthetic powdered plastic milk served everywhere. A stranger in a strange land indeed. ;D

That only so funny when he is not being funny comedian (wrote the theme tune, sang the theme tune, starred in "BEE" the cartoon film) on about how funny Australians really are and how US comedians love to come to Oz - because we are the funnest people. Yeah right.

HippoRhinocerCows and AndyDillyWhappagators forever - flying.

[phil82]

sinbad said:

I guess our accent does not help. Being congratulated on speaking reasonable English because I was from Austria when visiting the United States in the early 70s was always a laugh. Being asked did I want 'Coffee Mate' always floored me until I realised that "Coffeemate" was white synthetic powdered plastic milk served everywhere. A stranger in a strange land indeed. ;D

That only so funny when he is not being funny comedian (wrote the theme tune, sang the theme tune, starred in "BEE" the cartoon film) on about how funny Australians really are and how US comedians love to come to Oz - because we are the funnest people. Yeah right.

HippoRhinocerCows and AndyDillyWhappagators forever - flying.

I was standing in a queue at Disneyland with my son a few years ago chatting like you do, and became aware that others in the queue were listening, and one guy said in that polite American way, "Excuse me Sir, but where are you from?"

"New Zealand" I replied.

"Really?" he said, "and you speak English so well!"

[flyjoe180]

That's gold Cookie, cheers ;D

[flycookie]

The good news is that Mrs FlyCookie, much to her absolute yankish disgust, can now be heard to say ban-AH-na, among other words, as a result of my good example.

I attribute my CORRECT pronunciation of such words, with accesorised diction to match, to my lifelong cookie intake.

[Dave Homewood]

alanw said:

While in the States some years ago a group of English guys were talking, and a comment came up about lighting up a f.a.g.(yes cigarette) the guys from the States were freaking out with visions of these guys lighting up some gay person

My best mate Mike is British but he lived from age nine to sixteen in Bahrein, Middle East, which of course is also home to a lot of US soldiers. Mike, being a pommy boy, of course smoked cigarettes from a young age, and he says he was met with a startled look one day when he went up to a US Marine sentry and asked "Excuse me mate, can I bum a fag?"

Language is wonderful sometimes!

[FlyNavy]

So FliedCookies now we know why you have no teef. Too many coooookieeees. ;D

Never walk into a USofA bar and ask the barmaid for a JUG of beer. Much more polite to ask for a pitcher. And of course don't do reverse in these here parts pardner.