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Post by Dave Homewood on May 8, 2011 2:14:50 GMT 12
Some quotes from the great Norman Clegg (of Last of the Summer Wine)
"The trouble with these revolutions in the name of freedom is how soon they make it compulsory for everybody."
" I do enjoy hearing people discuss politics. It makes you realize there are things more boring than growing old."
"The young are a great comfort as you grow older. Makes you realize that at least you're going in the right direction."
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Post by Peter Lewis on May 8, 2011 9:38:47 GMT 12
"I'm not overweight, I'm undertall" - Garfield (the cat).
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av8rsm8
Flight Lieutenant
Posts: 93
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Post by av8rsm8 on May 8, 2011 16:17:59 GMT 12
Way back in nineteen-forty-two or maybe forty-three, I sailed with Captain Tuna, the chicken of the sea. We didn't sink the Bismarck , no matter what they say, For when we seen the German ships, we sailed the other way.
originally by Homer & Jethro parody of the song 'Sink the Bismarck'
as heard last night during a sing along at the Papanui RSA,
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Post by furyfb11 on May 8, 2011 16:28:31 GMT 12
How much do you want for that Penguin. Just a minute I'll look it up this catalouge I don't want a cat I want a penguin. look it up in a penguin log.
The goons.
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av8rsm8
Flight Lieutenant
Posts: 93
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Post by av8rsm8 on May 8, 2011 16:37:44 GMT 12
"It's a lovely day, the sun is singing, the birds are shining"
can't recall where I first heard this but it is a good test of whether people are really paying attention to your words...
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Post by corsair67 on May 8, 2011 16:39:40 GMT 12
"I kissed a girl, and I liked it" Katy Perry. ;D
"Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns" Maverick.
"That's a negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full" Some dude in the control tower at Miramar - who is about to wear some coffee!
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Post by lumpy on May 8, 2011 16:47:11 GMT 12
" Im on a mission -- from God " !
Blues Brothers .
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 8, 2011 17:44:37 GMT 12
"Four candles" Ronnie Barker (best sketch ever!)
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 8, 2011 17:50:11 GMT 12
From Open All Hours: Mrs Blewitt: "So. You're going to Parslow's funeral?" Arkwright: "Yes. Even though it's very unlikely that he'll ever come to mine."
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 8, 2011 17:57:40 GMT 12
"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" Reg, The Life of Brian
"He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!" Brian's Mum, The Life of Brian
Brian to his followers: "Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say." The Crowd: "Tell us! Tell us both of them!" Brian: "Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!" The Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!" Brian: "You're all different!" The Crowd: "Yes, we ARE all different!" Solitary Man in crowd: "I'm not..."
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Post by Officer Crabtree on May 8, 2011 18:02:25 GMT 12
Crabtree: I was standing outside the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon. You are clearly the guilty potty!
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Post by lumpy on May 8, 2011 19:49:20 GMT 12
" NewZealand has become the bludger of the Pacific "
Graham Bethel , commenting on the state of NewZealands airforce in an interview with Graham Orphan during the lunch break at CF11 .
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Post by corsair67 on May 8, 2011 19:52:47 GMT 12
" NewZealand has become the bludger of the Pacific " Graham Bethel , commenting on the state of NewZealands airforce in an interview with Graham Orphan during the lunch break at CF11 . And never truer words were spoken. Good on him too for saying what many think.
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Post by Officer Crabtree on May 15, 2011 18:36:39 GMT 12
Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'.
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 15, 2011 18:55:49 GMT 12
Rangi Ram in It Ain't Half Hot Mum: "There is one very old Hindu proverb which says that when you have cholera and Delhi-belly, and your wife is having congress with your best friend, it does not stop your house from catching fire."
"If you see an elephant boy crying next to his dead elephant, he might not necessarily be sad for the elephant. It could be that he has to bury it."
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 15, 2011 19:13:06 GMT 12
Some classics from the great Peter Ustinov:
At the age of four with paper hats and wooden swords we're all Generals. Only some of us never grow out of it.
Books, I don't know what you see in them. I can understand a person reading them, but I can't for the life of me see why people have to write them.
By increasing the size of the keyhole, today's playwrights are in danger of doing away with the door.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.
Corruption is nature's way of restoring our faith in democracy.
Courage is often lack of insight, whereas cowardice in many cases is based on good information.
Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they eventually find.
I have three daughters and I find as a result I played King Lear almost without rehearsal.
I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilised music in the world.
I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Intelligent or not, we all make mistakes and perhaps the intelligent mistakes are the worst, because so much careful thought has gone into them.
Men think about women. Women think about what men think about them.
Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
Once we are destined to live out our lives in the prison of our mind, our duty is to furnish it well.
People who reach the top of the tree are only those who haven't got the qualifications to detain them at the bottom.
The French and the British are such good enemies that they can't resist being friends.
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
The point of living and of being an optimist is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 15, 2011 20:42:55 GMT 12
Spike Milligan Quotes
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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Post by Dave Homewood on May 15, 2011 21:04:43 GMT 12
Some quotes about New Zealand:
"A country of inveterate, backwoods, thick-headed, egotistic philistines" ....... Vladimir Ilyich Lenin 1909 (I never realised Lenin had visited our Parliament!)
"I believe we were all glad to leave New Zealand. It is not a pleasant place. Amongst the natives there is absent that charming simplicity .... and the greater part of the English are the very refuse of society." ....... Charles Darwin 1860
"If it would not look too much like showing off, I would tell the reader where New Zealand is." ....... Mark Twain 1897
"The first european to find NZ was a Dutch sea-captain who was looking for something else ... It takes its name from a province of Holland to which it does not bear the remotest likeness, and is usually regarded as the antipodes of England, but is not. Taken possession of by an English navigator, whose action was afterwards reversed by his country's rulers, it was only annexed by the English Government which did not want it, to keep it from the French who did."....... William Pember Reeves 1898
When George Bernard Shaw visited New Zealand a reporter asked him his impression of the place and, after a pause, Shaw is said to have replied: "Altogether too many sheep" ....... George Bernard Shaw 1934
"Terrible tragedy of the south seas. Three million people trapped alive." ....... Thomas Jefferson Scott
When asked his opinion of New Zealand: "I find it hard to say, because when I was there it seemed to be shut." ....... Sir Clement Freud 1978
"New Zealand was colonised initially by those Australians who had the initiative to escape." ....... Robert Muldoon 1981
"The United States invented the space shuttle, the atomic bomb and Disneyland. We have 35 times more land than New Zealand, 80 times the population, 144 times the gross national product and 220 times as many people in jail. Many of our big cities have more kilometres of freeway than all of New Zealand, our 10 biggest metropolises each have more people than all of New Zealand, and metropolitan Detroit has more cars on the road than all of New Zealand. So how come a superpower of 270 million got routed in the America's Cup, the world's most technically oriented yacht race, by a country of 3.5 million that outproduces us only in sheep manure?" ....... Eric Sharp 1995
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Post by shamus on May 15, 2011 22:08:24 GMT 12
SIGN in a pub; If you are drinking to forget, please pay for your drinks in advance,
GOOD clean entertainment every night except Monday.
call yourself a comedian? Don't make me laugh.
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Post by shorty on May 16, 2011 22:12:40 GMT 12
Silence when you speak to me! The Goons (Col Bloodknock?)
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