A man walked up to the receptionist at a doctors surgery. The lady receptionist enquired of the mans complaint. He replied loudly, I am having trouble with my dick. The lady was shocked, saying you must not say words like that, say you have a problem with another part of your body. The waiting room was fairly crowded, everyone was tuned in. The man went outside for a moment then went back to the receptionist who said " Good morning Sir, what is the nature of your problem". The man replies "it is my ear". Lady asks "well what is wrong with your ear sir". He replies "I can't piss out of it". The people in the waiting room roared with laughter.
Post by Dave Homewood on Jun 28, 2016 20:44:12 GMT 12
A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.
The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?
The man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.
A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' Yes, you see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree. 'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration!'
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to explain, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there's No difference in the outcome.
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Dear Warner Brothers: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
Post by Dave Homewood on Jul 28, 2016 1:53:40 GMT 12
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his hand gun and yelled, “I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”
Post by planewriting on Jul 28, 2016 10:28:55 GMT 12
This is actually true but lighthearted enough to put here. My wife and I recently flew from Tauranga to Wellington and then back to Tauranga next day. Before leaving home I looked at Flight Radar 24 and saw that ZK-NET was scheduled for both flights, which I thought would be a rare occurrence as generally they move on to another service each day. We had awhile to wait for our return flight so I asked the Air NZ man at the desk if NET was doing the Tauranga flight. He busily looked around his desk looking under papers etc and said "no", to which I replied, "which one is it then?" With a puzzled look on his face he said, "Sorry, what do you mean?" I said, "which aircraft is scheduled?" "Oh" he responded, "yes it is NET, I thought you were asking if we have any tea!" I