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Jokes
Aug 24, 2016 11:28:31 GMT 12
Post by Dave Homewood on Aug 24, 2016 11:28:31 GMT 12
That's no different from the end of a flight in the military where everyone had the standard large vinyl black roll bags and there'd be a pile of 100 of them
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bae
Flying Officer
Posts: 67
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Post by bae on Aug 29, 2016 23:27:37 GMT 12
Hoe.
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Jokes
Sept 19, 2016 12:20:54 GMT 12
drpc likes this
Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Sept 19, 2016 12:20:54 GMT 12
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Post by rone on Sept 29, 2016 15:40:04 GMT 12
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball hit one of a group of men playing the next hole. She saw him immediately clasp his hands together at his groin, fall to the ground and roll around in agony The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. Please allow me to help. I'm a nurse and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me. She loosened his pants, put her hands inside and administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments. "How does that feel'? 'Feels great', he replied. 'But I still think my thumb's broken!
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Post by rone on Sept 29, 2016 15:53:36 GMT 12
A little girl goes to her father and says, 'Dad can I take the dog for a walk'? 'I asked Mum, but she said Lulu was on heat, and to ask you'. He took a petrol soaked rag, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and don't go too far'. The little girl left and returned a while later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home'.
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Jokes
Feb 14, 2017 22:09:53 GMT 12
Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Feb 14, 2017 22:09:53 GMT 12
Yeah, I know that is somewhat political (it was published in the print edition of Monday's Los Angeles Times), but it is very subtle, yet sooooo hilariously funny.
I suspect those it is aimed at in the USA (the Prez's supporters) will be way too dumb to get it!
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Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Aug 18, 2017 10:21:29 GMT 12
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Post by flyinkiwi on Aug 18, 2017 11:48:47 GMT 12
My favourite ATC joke (and there are a lot of them):
Pilot: "London Approach, this is American 343 Heavy with you on the descent through flight level one three zero."
ATC: "American 343 Heavy, roger identified. Cleared for the ILS approach two seven right. Descend and maintain six thousand feet. London area QNH 1006."
Pilot: "Cleared for the ILS approach two seven right, descend and maintain six thousand feet... Uhhhh could you give us that in inches sir?"
ATC: "American 343 Heavy, roger, descend and maintain seventy two thousand inches. London area QNH 1006."
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Post by planewriting on Aug 26, 2017 18:10:42 GMT 12
Hahahahahahaha! Classic Peter. Got another reaction from an Air New Zealand person on another Q-300 flight this week. My wife and I were in the rear most seats (row 13). The Flight Attendant looked in horror at me when she realised the biscuit tray was depleted on reaching our row. "Sorry", she said "I will go back and get some more" and off she went. A few minutes later she was back with several more biscuits and said "Here you are!". I looked up and said, "Gosh, did you go all the way back to Tauranga just for me..." She looked at me trying to translate my demeanour then cracked up laughing and said, "Here, take these you've earned them!" Guess what my wife and I had with our coffee that evening...
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Jokes
Aug 26, 2017 19:10:44 GMT 12
Post by delticman on Aug 26, 2017 19:10:44 GMT 12
Hahahahahahaha! Classic Peter. Got another reaction from an Air New Zealand person on another Q-300 flight this week. My wife and I were in the rear most seats (row 13). The Flight Attendant looked in horror at me when she realised the biscuit tray was depleted on reaching our row. "Sorry", she said "I will go back and get some more" and off she went. A few minutes later she was back with several more biscuits and said "Here you are!". I looked up and said, "Gosh, did you go all the way back to Tauranga just for me..." She looked at me trying to translate my demeanour then cracked up laughing and said, "Here, take these you've earned them!" Guess what my wife and I had with our coffee that evening... Our Airline has Timtams and sweeties.
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Jokes
Aug 26, 2017 20:55:12 GMT 12
Post by planewriting on Aug 26, 2017 20:55:12 GMT 12
Well, I thought she was a sweetie offering us the tray contents.
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Post by 11SQNLDR on Aug 27, 2017 17:26:39 GMT 12
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Majesty“ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?” “Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”. She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here." The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?" "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me." "Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office. “Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?” "I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer. The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me. “Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?” “Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.” Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"
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Jokes
Aug 27, 2017 17:29:11 GMT 12
Post by 11SQNLDR on Aug 27, 2017 17:29:11 GMT 12
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2017 21:11:51 GMT 12
Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Aug 30, 2017 21:11:51 GMT 12
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2017 22:38:23 GMT 12
Post by suthg on Aug 30, 2017 22:38:23 GMT 12
HAHA! Weekdays I take the paper to work for the read and the Puzzle section. In the weekends, I scan the puzzle section of the Waikato Times to get the Codecracker (and 3 Sudoku) to take or send to work for two puzzles on Monday. If I am away sick on on holiday, I fret when I can't find every day of the puzzles... LOL!
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Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Sept 13, 2017 20:28:44 GMT 12
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Jokes
Oct 22, 2017 15:50:13 GMT 12
Post by kiwithrottlejockey on Oct 22, 2017 15:50:13 GMT 12
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Jokes
Nov 4, 2017 11:31:14 GMT 12
Post by 11SQNLDR on Nov 4, 2017 11:31:14 GMT 12
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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Jokes
Nov 4, 2017 12:49:02 GMT 12
Post by delticman on Nov 4, 2017 12:49:02 GMT 12
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony. I'm sure he was a Marine.
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Jokes
Nov 4, 2017 13:30:39 GMT 12
Post by rone on Nov 4, 2017 13:30:39 GMT 12
Question:- Why do women fart after urinating
Answer :- Because as they can't shake it, they have to blow dry it.
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