A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead. "How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move' replied the boy innocently. You did "What??" exclaimed the teacher in surprise. "You know," explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'PSSST' and it didn't move".
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started on him. 'What time of the night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?. Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
Too shattered to respond to this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told her husband's client, James Wright , had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Realising what a terrible day he had had, she went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'.
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog'. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and craps all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
Driving over the Kaimais one day... An elderly couple were driving over the Kaimais, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol just after the summit. The officer says "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say ?" The old man yells "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING". The patrolman says "May I see your Licence ?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say ?"he old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENCE." The woman gives him her licence. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Te Puke. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman again turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
"The thing about quotes from the internet is that it's very hard to verify their authenticity." - Winston Churchill