Jokes

[Venomnut]

Santa had a visit from his flight examiner as he was due for his private pilot licence BFR.


After correctly answering a few questions relating to the sleigh and reindeer speeds and limitations Santa then showed him his weight and balance calculations and the examiner was quite pleased.

He then told Santa that they will need to carry out a flight test where he will evaluate Santa's ability to deal with general handling and emergency procedures.

Santa entered the sleigh followed closely behind by the examiner who was holding a shotgun.

Slightly alarmed Santa asked "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you have a shotgun with you?"


The examiner leaned in close to Santa and with a hushed voice said "I'm not meant to tell you, but you're going to have an engine failure on take off"

[11SQNLDR]

[obiwan27]

545cf14f21101c50b565ce02a954f3954abe2f063bdd876713363dc3681c6d14 by Ken Tod, on Flickr

[11SQNLDR]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[rone]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead.
"How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move' replied the boy innocently.
You did "What??" exclaimed the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'PSSST' and it didn't move".

[haughtney1]

[rone]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started on him. 'What time of the night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?. Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

Too shattered to respond to this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told her husband's client, James Wright , had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Realising what a terrible day he had had, she went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'.

[11SQNLDR]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog'. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and craps all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

[rone]

Driving over the Kaimais one day...
An elderly couple were driving over the Kaimais, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol just after the summit. The officer says "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say ?"
The old man yells "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING".
The patrolman says "May I see your Licence ?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say ?"he old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENCE." The woman gives him her licence.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Te Puke. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman again turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

[rone]

An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

[flyinkiwi]

[flyinkiwi]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

[baz62]

For all you aircraft engineers out there....especially ones who look after aeroplanes with virtually no floors under the cockpit seats!
87633104_1668549403313151_732048122251712318_n by Barry Tod, on Flickr

[baz62]

81763289_2906885532709514_7370752607591925960_n by Barry Tod, on Flickr

[flyinkiwi]

May the Fourth be with you

[oldgunny]

I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple of cucumbers. After a couple of months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smiles and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

[shorty]

Ya just gotta love politicians.

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.



Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this
inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.

Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'







So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following for her
genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad..

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
Victoria Police Force.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW That's how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN.

[vultee43]

That's our boy !!!😃😃😃😃

[shorty]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers to him,
"Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'
"That is impossible,“ the Pope responds. “The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”
"Well,” says the Nescafe man. “We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”
"Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee. Please consider it.”
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," the Pope announces, "and some bad news. “The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

“We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!"

[flyinkiwi]

There is something about COVID and Star Trek that just makes sense...