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Post by oldgunny on Oct 22, 2021 12:35:27 GMT 12
A husband and wife were lying in bed last night. The husband noticed the wife had a girly book.
"What's that shit you're reading now?" he asked.
"It's Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars!"
"What bullshit" he replied. "You're more likely from Mars than me!"
"Why's that then?"
"I've been probing you for f#&*ing years and there's still no sign of life!"
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2021 10:45:39 GMT 12
baz62 likes this
Post by Antonio on Oct 31, 2021 10:45:39 GMT 12
Three things you need to know about cats:
1. Never pick up a stray kitten unless you have already decided to be adopted by it.
2. At night, all cats are tigers.
3. Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats as gods - They have never forgotten this!
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Post by Antonio on Nov 8, 2021 22:20:17 GMT 12
Patience
Perseverance
AND - a little Sweet Oil..
Will stretch a sand-fly's bum over the neck of a beer bottle
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Post by Antonio on Jan 3, 2022 8:02:37 GMT 12
What is the difference between an aircraft and the USA?
On an aircraft the right wing isn't trying to crash you.
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Jokes
Jan 18, 2022 10:23:07 GMT 12
Post by Antonio on Jan 18, 2022 10:23:07 GMT 12
Is there any truth in the rumour that the US Navy are going to rename their troubled Zumwalt Class DDG's 'Turkey', 'Lemon' & Pog to better reflect their capabilities?  ? |
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Post by Antonio on Feb 8, 2022 13:16:24 GMT 12
Spotted this - I just had to share:  |
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Post by Antonio on Feb 9, 2022 10:49:39 GMT 12
One for the cracker-stackers:  |
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Post by Antonio on May 17, 2022 18:12:05 GMT 12
metamorphosis ?   |
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Post by errolmartyn on Jun 11, 2022 16:10:22 GMT 12
3.2.18 - A D.H.6 was reported by the police for loitering over a village near the aerodrome. The pilot is taking action for slander, as he swears the machine was moving all the time. (From a WWI issue of 'Flight' magazine)
Errol
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Post by errolmartyn on Jun 18, 2022 17:30:43 GMT 12
Not quite the Wright answer . . .
From the 'Bumb Britain' column of Private Eye magazine:
Shephard: Which brothers, pioneers in aviation, are honoured in the USA every year on December 17th?
Contestant 1: I can only think of Rolls-Royce.
Contestant 2: Is it the Marx brothers?
Errol
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Post by Dave Homewood on Jul 2, 2022 10:40:29 GMT 12
400 passengers and only 200 meals were loaded on an Auckland to Heathrow flight.
The airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix! However, one smart flight attendant had an idea!
About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announced : "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened but we have 400 passengers on board & only 200 dinners! Anyone who is kind enough to give up his / her meal for someone else, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight!"
Her next announcement came 6 hours later : "Ladies and Gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their minds, we still have 180 meals available!"
Moral of the Story: People who drink have very kind hearts.
Please respect them!
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Post by camtech on Jul 2, 2022 21:24:11 GMT 12
Dave, that reminds me of our trip to the UK for Andover training. Ten hours in a DC10 - 75 passengers (20 air force). Arrived in Singapore with one miniature of gin left (and a bottle of whiskey donated by ex air force crew to our "welfare fund".
Three days later, Singapore to Bahrein in a British Airways 747 (that had been delayed in Perth for 36 hours) - 65 passengers (same 20 air force). Captain announces as we taxy out that refreshments are on the airline due to delay. Very happy flight to Bahrein. Full aircraft Bahrein to Heathrow, captain repeats offer of free grog - only time I've heard kiwis say " oh god, not again".
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Post by oj on Jul 2, 2022 22:24:13 GMT 12
I had similar experience flying PanAm Auckland to Sydney in 1979.
Catering staff strike at Mangere.
Just a few Club sandwiches and free grog.
I had a few Bacardi and Coke.
When I hit the outside air at Sydney terminal it nearly put me in orbit!
Higher than a kite ...
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Post by camtech on Jul 3, 2022 17:39:58 GMT 12
Haha - one of our crew had to be taken into customs on a luggage trolley. Stepping off a nice cool air conditioned aircraft into Singapore's lovely warm, humid atmosphere did not assist our sobriety in any way.
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Post by Antonio on Jul 25, 2022 20:19:46 GMT 12
She: "What's your idea of the perfect date?"
He: "DD/MM/YYYY. Other formats can be confusing."
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Post by oldgunny on Oct 11, 2022 12:44:24 GMT 12
Took my wife to the doctor to see about her tourettes. Seems that that's not the case at all. Turns out I am a c**t, and she does want me to f**k off.
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Post by shorty on Oct 11, 2022 13:55:41 GMT 12
How to distinguish between members of the army, the navy and the Airforce.?
If the soldier sees a cockroach in his tent he kills it with his rifle butt,
If the sailor sees one in his tent he stomps on it with sea boots and crushes it.
If the pilot sees it he calls room service and asks "who the hell put up a tent in my hotel room"?
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Post by Antonio on Oct 11, 2022 15:44:11 GMT 12
An oldie but a goodie
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Post by shorty on Oct 15, 2022 20:03:05 GMT 12
The Golden Phone
An American decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world.
So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest
who was strolling by, what the telephone was
used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to
God.
The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same looking golden
telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a
nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe,
England, Japan, Australia. In every church he
saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see
if New Zealanders had the same phone.
He arrived at New Zealand and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read, '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised, so he asked the
priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all
over the world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches I'm told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was
$10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in New Zealand
now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a
local call'.
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an New Zealander pass this on!
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Post by angelsonefive on Oct 16, 2022 17:02:44 GMT 12
Question : What is the most dangerous thing in aviation ?
Answer : A pilot with a screwdriver.
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