Jokes

[rone]

A man walked up to the receptionist at a doctors surgery. The lady receptionist enquired of the mans complaint. He replied loudly, I am having trouble with my dick. The lady was shocked, saying you must not say words like that, say you have a problem with another part of your body. The waiting room was fairly crowded, everyone was tuned in. The man went outside for a moment then went back to the receptionist who said " Good morning Sir, what is the nature of your problem". The man replies "it is my ear". Lady asks "well what is wrong with your ear sir". He replies "I can't piss out of it". The people in the waiting room roared with laughter.

[AussieBob]

Had a massive argument with the wife again last night after which she stormed out of the house.

Half an hour later I get a text.

"Gotaproblemwithmyphone.Thespacekeyisntworking.AnywayImfedup ofthesecontinuingarguments.Youregoingtohavetomoveoutotherwis ewhenIgethomeyouregoingtohavetogivemeanalternative.

I've made my decision. I'm not moving out. But wtf does ternative mean?

[11SQNLDR]

[Dave Homewood]

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.

[flyinkiwi]

URGENT REQUEST

A friend has a ticket for the Wellington All Blacks v Australia game.

Unfortunately, it clashes with his wedding.

Do you know anyone who wants to get married?

[AussieBob]

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit.. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree. 'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration!'


We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls,
but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to explain, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there's No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Dave Homewood]

A man called Fred died recently. His will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Judy, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Judy, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"Really?" Judy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Judy says, "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

[lumpy]

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

[No longer identifiable]

If a husband is in a forest miles away from his wife, and then says something, is he still wrong?

[shorty]

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[11SQNLDR]

[Dave Homewood]

An oldie but a goodie, our own forum member Peter Arnold.

[flyinkiwi]

Q: Whats the best thing about being a Warbird pilot?
A: You get to honestly tell people that you have 18 inches at idle.

[kiwithrottlejockey]

From today's Otago Daily Times....

[general]

Hah! Nice one.

Chap walked into a Japanese restaurant and tells the waiter, "Bring me a range of your best Japanese wines, and don't get all sarky."

[Dave Homewood]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his hand gun and yelled, “I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

[planewriting]

This is actually true but lighthearted enough to put here. My wife and I recently flew from Tauranga to Wellington and then back to Tauranga next day. Before leaving home I looked at Flight Radar 24 and saw that ZK-NET was scheduled for both flights, which I thought would be a rare occurrence as generally they move on to another service each day. We had awhile to wait for our return flight so I asked the Air NZ man at the desk if NET was doing the Tauranga flight. He busily looked around his desk looking under papers etc and said "no", to which I replied, "which one is it then?" With a puzzled look on his face he said, "Sorry, what do you mean?" I said, "which aircraft is scheduled?" "Oh" he responded, "yes it is NET, I thought you were asking if we have any tea!" I

[Dave Homewood]

Hahahahahahaha! Classic Peter.

[nuuumannn]

The answer to the age-old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg can finally be revealed; it was the Rooster.

[kiwithrottlejockey]

(click on the picture to read the news story)